"" Life A Bit Sweeter: The Pain of Choosing to Relinquish Your Child

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Pain of Choosing to Relinquish Your Child

The other night, I awoke from one of the most heart wrenching dreams that I've ever experienced.  I had to make a decision to relinquish my youngest son.  It was the worst pain that I've ever felt as a mother.  I remember him being dressed in blue plants and a white shirt.  I gave him a little food to take with him on his way.  I remember saying something to the effect of mommy loving him.  I led him to the front door and then watched him walk away from the other side of the door.

Because this was a 'dream', there are still some things that are unclear for me in that I can't answer all the whys. However, what I do recall is that as his mom, nothing in me wanted him to go.  Yet, I knew I could no longer provide for him.  I was terrified of what his future would be without me as his life guide.  On the other hand, I was even more terrified of what his future would be if I kept him with me in our hopeless situation.

As I awoke and realized it was 'just a dream' for me, I knew in that moment, for another woman, part(s) of this is her reality.  I pray that I never forget this pain I felt so that I can remind my future daughter of the anguish her mother/father/family must have encountered as they had to make one of the toughest decisions, possibly in their lifetime.

God, please continue to make me sensitive to the need of mothers  and fathers on the other side of adoptions.  Even as I have wrestled with my own feelings of what felt like abandonment by my own parents, this dream finally put in perspective how much my parents must have agonized over some things in which they really had no control over.  Thank you Lord for insight.

6 comments:

Kristi J said...

beautiful..thanks for sharing, kristi

Meliski said...

Wow. What a post! That really resonated deeply with me. I am so glad you woke up and realized it was "just a dream" for you. But the reality that mothers/fathers/grandparents must feel this pain every day is soul crushing. Thank you for this reality check.

jkseevers said...

Amazing post. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm always amazed when God allows us to dream certain things in order to show us or teach us something.

So often, I also forget about the birth mother of our soon to be child. I just assume that it was an easy decision, or that she was indifferent about it, or maybe too sick to care. I so appreciate your interpretation and insight on this.

One of the things I'm learning in this season of waiting is that The Lord is wanting me to draw near to Him and put my focus on Him. He wants me to see clearly what it is He's trying to teach me, and He's reminding me that I'm not the center of the universe.
I know it'll all be worth it in the end, even through some of these difficult days of learning, stretching, growing...

Thanks for the reminder about my baby's mother. I will be praying more fervently for her...

K

LIfe A Bit Sweeter (Michelle) said...

Thanks Kristi. I'm already in amazement at the beautiful way that you've decided to honor your daughter's mother. Absolutely beautiful!

Hey Melissa! Yeah....it was a great reminder for me.

Katie, you're right. Drawing near to Him is so important in this journey. I slack sometimes but love when I get on track....it makes the journey so much better.

Big hugs to you!
Michelle

MarathonJourney said...

WOW Michelle! It's it totally amazing that God would trust you enough to go through this journey, to sensitize your heart to things that many people don't understand and even more, you share so that is opens the perspective of those who love and care about you. Thank you for being honest and open, if no one else, I appreciate you!

LIfe A Bit Sweeter (Michelle) said...

Thanks so much Ro for being so supportive in this journey as we all learn so much about God's heart for orphans.

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