The Pain of Choosing to Relinquish Your Child

The other night, I awoke from one of the most heart wrenching dreams that I've ever experienced.  I had to make a decision to relinquish my youngest son.  It was the worst pain that I've ever felt as a mother.  I remember him being dressed in blue plants and a white shirt.  I gave him a little food to take with him on his way.  I remember saying something to the effect of mommy loving him.  I led him to the front door and then watched him walk away from the other side of the door.

Because this was a 'dream', there are still some things that are unclear for me in that I can't answer all the whys. However, what I do recall is that as his mom, nothing in me wanted him to go.  Yet, I knew I could no longer provide for him.  I was terrified of what his future would be without me as his life guide.  On the other hand, I was even more terrified of what his future would be if I kept him with me in our hopeless situation.

As I awoke and realized it was 'just a dream' for me, I knew in that moment, for another woman, part(s) of this is her reality.  I pray that I never forget this pain I felt so that I can remind my future daughter of the anguish her mother/father/family must have encountered as they had to make one of the toughest decisions, possibly in their lifetime.

God, please continue to make me sensitive to the need of mothers  and fathers on the other side of adoptions.  Even as I have wrestled with my own feelings of what felt like abandonment by my own parents, this dream finally put in perspective how much my parents must have agonized over some things in which they really had no control over.  Thank you Lord for insight.