It's a bit past 3am and I can't go back to sleep just yet until I type this post. For the 3rd time, I've had a dream about a second small child with Selah --always a boy. I haven't committed it fully to a blog post yet because I've been so afraid. Afraid of what you ask, well let me spill it here:
-Afraid of what my husband would say. I mean it was a miracle to me that he said yes so quickly to adopting one child...internationally at that. I've thrown it around to him before after the first two dreams and he's not exactly saying no firmly but he's definitely not saying yes either. So 2 children....
-Afraid of the additional cost of the adoption. With no cut cards, I can simply say that the funds to adopt a second child are just not there. We've finished fundraising and quite honestly I'm thinking, how do you start fundraising again because you 'think' you might need to/be asked to adopt a second child?
-Afraid of the the costs associated with having 4 children. I don't see where in the world we'd have money in our family budget to care for the needs of 4 children.
-Afraid that maybe I'm conjuring all of this up in my mind. Ya know...what did I eat last night? And then there's the fact that one of our agency's families had a similar situation and are now adopting not just one but now two boys.
-Afraid that I'd never want to split up siblings.....if any of this materialized. This is exactly what happened to my brother and I after my mom died. It's something my brother and I have been so firm about even with our existing children. In fact it brings me to tears right now just thinking about it. We've held that if something happened to us and our children had to be placed with guardians, we'd never want our children split up. This single act caused so much damage to my brother and I. Although we ended up in the same state, it hurt more than anyone else could ever know. Not only did we lose our mom and dad overnight but we also instantly lost one another.
Yes, I know that God is greater than all of my fears but let me tell you, fear is trying to whip my butt right now as I keep trying to couple it with the reality of what I see with our family and our finances. Do we have enough love to care for two children....absolutely yes....but how would that affect our two boys??? Again, do we have the finances to care for two additional children.....not from my vantage point....but hmmm....what does God see in all this? So....here I am stuck wondering.......are these 'just dreams' or is this all preparation for what's to come? Pray for us friends. I just sit here in tears because this is hard on so many other levels.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
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13 comments:
Hey Michelle -
You don't know me at all but I stalk your blog!
I am not on the adoption road. So I can only imagine how difficult this is but I know you can't help but think about all of the 'what ifs' at this point.
But you know what? There is only one thing really that you have to decide right now...If God asks you to do this, are you going to say 'yes'? If this is His plan for your family, He will take care of everything else including clueing Tony in on the new agenda :-)
I'll be praying for you!
Take heart, girl! It sounds like you are headed for one exciting journey!
-Beth in Atlanta
My dear, sweet sister! I am so thankful that you are OPEN to God's possibilities! I KNOW! Girl, I KNOW...HE will provide! HE JUST WILL!!! Seek Him, and Him ALONE! Do NOT become polluted by this world in your decision! :) LOVE!
Praying for you, sister!
OH ummm, I'm in tears reading this. I have something positively positive to say about this post, but I think God is telling me to wait! So I'll wait until the time is right!
Keep on trusting God and know, like I know you will and do, that if this is the door he's opening he already has it worked out.
Michelle, I found your blog and just HAD to comment. We started our journey with just one child in mind. Then God spoke to us about a boy and a girl. I thought it was too specific to be from God, and doubted myself. Also went through the "what if's" that you are. And then...I found my children on a waiting child profile in Ghana. I am sooo glad I kept my mind open because these children are perfect for us, they are my children. When you find them, you will know.
Michelle,
so funny (not really funny:0) that you are posting about this because from the beginning of our adoption, when we had to choose the number, age, gender of our child....i too saw a little boy in the picture. i knew we wanted a girl for sure, but i could see an infant girl and her toddler brother. my husband was adamant when the time came and we decided on just one child and we received the referral for a toddler girl....not at all in MY plans. :0) crazy thing....even though i don't feel ready, God has been whispering this desire into my heart again. not wanting to be disobedient, but wanting to make sure this is HIM and not my own desires getting in the way....i am waiting for more signs. we have four children now and we make sacrifices. wouldn't it be great if we could continue living the way that we do when we are fundraising and saving every penny? well, we can. and four children is doable if it's in God's plan. i'll be praying for you as you make your decision and hoping that He fills you in soon on the plan. it will all work out...no matter what.
blessings,
kendra
First of all, let me just say that reading your heart of compassion spilling over for siblings is moving, especially in light of your personal experience. God placed that perspective and compassion in you for a reason. Whether it be adding another child, or using it in another way only time and prayer will tell. But one thing for certain is that you are His sheep and you know His voice. Keep listening to those whisperings! He will give you clarity!!!! Your family is a bright shining light, Michelle. Keep on, my sister.
I'm praying with you. Sometimes obeying God isn't the hard part, it's confirming that what your feeling/sensing is from Him. I know that that's where I'm at too. I love you hun!!
First of all, let me so how greatly I appreciate the fact that you all even read this blog. Then, the fact that you take time to comment is priceless. THANK YOU for your prayers, encouragement, and love. I don't take it for granted. So we'll see what this journey holds.
Originally, I fell in love with ONE (specific) child in Ethiopia while there in July. But when I came home and we decided to say YES to that ONE child, I just couldn't get another child out of my mind. It didn't make sense at the time because while I met her, I never even had any one on one time with her. But suddenly, TWO just sounded like what we were really meant to be doing. The second child was a decision, but one that I have never once regretted. We had no idea how on earth we would do it. We started out with $0 and God has provided us with $10,000 in less than THREE months. Clearly, we are not done yet.. but I know for a fact that what I was feeling came from God and I am sooo glad that we followed His lead! It certainly would have been "easier" to pursue just ONE child.. especially after we learned that the second child had a complicated history.. but once God burdened our hearts for her, there was just no turning back.
Hi Michelle,
We were in the same boat as you. We had been requesting one infant for more than a year. That is, until we found a sibling set on the WCL of three. We are know waiting for a court date for two girls and their baby brother. It has not been the easiest thing to change, but we had all the same questions. We also had the Holy Spirit speaking to us and showing us that this is exactly how He is going to build our family. When we accepted their referral, we were #1 on the list for an infant boy. Two hours after we accepted the siblings referral, a referral went out to another family for that infant boy. God is amazing, listen to His direction and He will provide above and beyond what you will need. You can read about our story @ http://cheneyadoption.blogspot.com/
Feel free to email us as well if you have any questions @ heathernadam@yahoo.com
love, love, love y'all!!!!! Thanking God for sending you.
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