It's a bit past 3am and I can't go back to sleep just yet until I type this post. For the 3rd time, I've had a dream about a second small child with Selah --always a boy. I haven't committed it fully to a blog post yet because I've been so afraid. Afraid of what you ask, well let me spill it here:
-Afraid of what my husband would say. I mean it was a miracle to me that he said yes so quickly to adopting one child...internationally at that. I've thrown it around to him before after the first two dreams and he's not exactly saying no
firmly but he's definitely not saying yes either. So 2 children....
-Afraid of the additional cost of the adoption. With no cut cards, I can simply say that the funds to adopt a second child are just not there. We've finished fundraising and quite honestly I'm thinking, how do you start fundraising again because you 'think' you might need to/be asked to adopt a second child?
-Afraid of the the costs associated with having 4 children. I don't see where in the world we'd have money in our family budget to care for the needs of 4 children.
-Afraid that maybe I'm conjuring all of this up in my mind. Ya know...what did I eat last night? And then there's the fact that
one of our agency's families had a similar situation and are now adopting not just one but now two boys.
-Afraid that I'd never want to split up siblings.....if any of this materialized. This is exactly what happened to my brother and I after my mom died. It's something my brother and I have been so firm about even with our existing children. In fact it brings me to tears right now just thinking about it. We've held that if something happened to us and our children had to be placed with guardians, we'd never want our children split up. This single act caused so much damage to my brother and I. Although we ended up in the same state, it hurt more than anyone else could ever know. Not only did we lose our mom and dad overnight but we also instantly lost one another.
Yes, I know that God is greater than all of my fears but let me tell you, fear is trying to whip my butt right now as I keep trying to couple it with the reality of what I see with our family and our finances. Do we have enough love to care for two children....absolutely yes....but how would that affect our two boys??? Again, do we have the finances to care for two additional children.....not from my vantage point....but hmmm....what does God see in all this? So....here I am stuck wondering.......are these 'just dreams' or is this all preparation for what's to come? Pray for us friends. I just sit here in tears because this is hard on so many other levels.
